What if it was me??

*I dug this one back out and have decided to republish it today. This post was originally published on February 5th, 2014. About 2-3 weeks after I tried to take my own life during the middle of the night and exactly 11 days before I ended up getting sober. 

When I wrote this (which fuck, I was probably drunk when I did) I knew...I *knew* I had 2 choices to make. I had to either get sober or I had to give up and end it all. There was no more in between. I was so scared what getting sober would do to my life, but I was just as scared of what not being sober was doing to it. 

I am approaching 7 years sober and that is just mind boggling to me at times. There are days that seem easy and there are days where I fight and I can guarantee you no one but me can tell the difference between the two...and that's ok. I know what I am fighting for and I know how to fight for it. 

If you are someone you know is suffering with depression and experiencing suicidal thoughts please call 1-800-273-8255.*

Many people know about the shocking death of Phillip Seymour Hoffman. 

I have a connection with him…with what he brought to me as a creative human being. 

The roles he played inspired me and I always thought the he was insanely courageous for taking on some of them.  He inspired me to accept and be ok with the many different “sides” of myself.

Let’s take away the celebrity…the Oscar…the admirations…

This was a man with a disease.

One that he has fought and battled with for so many years.  And he won that fight for almost 23 years….almost.

People have called him selfish..they have called him a junkie…a person who thinks of no one but themselves.  He had THREE children!!!!!!! He had a partner in life who loved him unconditionally!!!!

How about this..

Call him HUMAN.

He had a choice...like we all do. Sometime we make good ones. Sometimes we don't. Sometimes demons follow us, no matter where we go. And we fight. We fight so, so hard. We try to fight them by projecting them. By suffocating them. By living them at times. He had children. He had people that looked up to him. Idolized him. Needed him. And he selfishly said "NO"...and chose his needles.

Not even his children could save him from that moment…that moment that OVER CAME him. Addiction is a horrible, awful beast. And people think "I made a year clean/sober" and you're good to go...this proves...it's a never ending battle.
We should never judge peoples personal battles.

I have made many choices in my life. Good…and bad.   Not all of the “good” choices have led to me “good” things.  And not all of the “bad” choices have led me to “bad” choices. Sometimes they have crisscrossed.

What if it was me..

What if I confessed that I have a problem??

If I said “I am an alcoholic”

Would you all react the same way?? Would you say it way my fault??

What if I told you that I was able to control my drinking for 2 years but then relapsed…

What would you say then??

What if I said that I was SO fucking lost that I had no idea where to go??

What if I died tomorrow…

Will a brilliant man with awful demons be laid to rest, or will he continue to be judged by something bigger than you, bigger than me.

Or can we find peace and understanding in knowing that this world is much, much bigger than any of us can ever fully understand.

And that no matter what your addiction is…you have to keep on fighting.

You don’t know everyone’s demons…so never judge.

You all saw my demons catch and regain my weight…

If you saw it catch my death, would it be like this?? Would you think I was weak?? Would you think that I didn’t think of every one and everything??

When it comes to addiction…who is really in control??  Is the answer really as simple as YOU??

I think that the death of PSH has made people more aware of their own “addictions”…it doesn’t need to be drugs. It can be anything…food and exercise even.  The fact that he got help at such a young age and was able to stay clean for so long is the really eye opening part that I think reminds people that this fight is NEVER over. There is no “cure”…there is only constant awareness and learning.

RIP Phillip Seymour Hoffman. RIP everyone who has ever died by addiction holding them.

And bless everyone who keeps trying to break hold of it!!!!

You Decide

Oh 2020…what a year! What. A. Year.

I think we can collectively agree that this year will be one for the history books. Many of us have lived through something that we thought we’d only read about in history books. But alas, here we are.

While we have all been living through the same hell (I’m looking at you, ‘Rona) many of us have been affected by it quite differently.

There is person who lost their loved one to the virus.

There is the person who watched their family member or friend battle the virus.

There is the person who lost their job.

There is the person who lost their home.

There is the person who was filled daily with anxiety not sure if their business would ever reopen again or not.

There is the person struggling to find ways to earn money in today’s climate to put food on the table for their family.

There is person who is juggling working from home and homeschooling their children.

There is the person who has felt super lonely and is quarantined inside of their homes all alone.

There is the person who can’t go visit their friends and family during the holidays due to travel restrictions.

There is the person who will miss celebrating milestones with those they love.

There is the person who is filled with guilt over the thoughts they have about their children/partners because if they have to see their face one more freaking time....

There is the person who relapsed to their addiction because this all became too overwhelming.

There is the person who has been trying to escape their current situation at home and now feels stuck due to the restrictions in the world.

2020 has not been easy for anyone. Personally, mine started off going to hell in a handbasket even before Corona became a headline. I lost my beloved Amelia Bedelia unexpectedly and that hit me HARD. I had already been struggling a bit a few months prior and that certainly did not help.

Now welcome in a pandemic…

I spent months alone. Just my cats & I. I was extremely grateful to still have a job & in March was sent to work from home for the foreseeable future. This was actually pretty exciting to me! I had just got my new cat October and I loved the idea of being home with him and getting him comfortable. Plus the idea of extra time in bed and not putting extra miles on my new car…hey it all sounded good to me!

But of course it came with it’s own bag of troubles. Troubles that many of others experienced this year. And really, when I think about 2020, “experience” is the word that sticks out for me the most. Because here’s the funny part….

we have all had a very different experience of the same experience.

If 2020 has not been OK for you….that’s OK!

If 2020 has been OK for you….that’s OK!

Even though my year started out pretty shitty, with the death of my cat & a knee injury that would keep me from running, I have to say that for me 2020 has been OK. I managed to get a new car all by myself (well a 2017 but the newest vehicle I've ever owned!). A lot of the weight I had started gaining at the beginning of the year I lost thanks to being forced to eat more at home & online grocery shopping. Plus with working from home I was able to get out and exercise more on lunch & breaks & didn’t have to worry about my coworkers smelling me. I got to truly learn who cared for me…those who knew I was constantly by myself and would call or message to see how I was doing. I don't believe that I have ever truly expressed how grateful I am but believe me, it had saved me many times. I somehow even managed to meet someone during this pandemic and have been building a truly great relationship with this person that I absolutely cherish completely. I also was lucky enough to make a pretty big move career wise and took on a new position at work (though this means no more rolling out of bed & turning the laptop on...real pant's suck)!

My 2020 had some loss and some gain…just like everyone else. Some of us maybe lost more and maybe some of us gained more. But the point is, we all had our own experiences of this same experience and you get to decide whether you want to look back at it and feel bad about it (because maybe that’s all you can do) or feel good about it (without any guilt).

I think we can all collectively say that we feel bad for the world...this pandemic has been horrible on so many levels for us as a society. But on a personal level, you don’t have to decide it’s been horrible for you. What did you teach you? What did it show you? What strengths do you have that you didn’t know you possessed? What weaknesses were you shown that you want to work on? What can you do more of? What can you do less of? What do you need more of? What do you need less of?

Maybe you need to reach out to your friends and family more…support your local businesses more…volunteer more…spend more quality time with your children…take more “me” time…love more…hate less…don’t waste moments…build memories not materials...find a new job...find a new partner...be more accepting...be less accepting...No matter how you’ve experienced 2020, 2020 has been an experience for you. And you, and only you, can decide on whether you want to look this past year in the face and say “you didn’t break me” or you accept defeat, know that you’re not alone, pick up the pieces and go into 2021 stronger than ever before!

All I know is that there is one thing 2020 couldn't take from me....and that is my streak of saying I will learn to do a pushup but still not being able to do a pushup! So HA! Maybe I'll learn to do one in 2021 ;)